snookered

Nancy always tells me I’m full of crap – or a crap equivalent. I have an opportunity to see if she’s factually correct Friday. As part of a physical, I’m having a colonoscopy on Friday. Since we have a family history of colon cancer, it seems like a good idea to have an internal check every five years or so. As anyone who has had one will tell you, the procedure itself is a nothing but the test prep is a bit unpleasant. Basically you want your innards cleaned out which means no input and lots of output. Seems like a perfect opportunity to make an actual measurement to see just how full of crap I am. So my plan is to weigh in Wednesday PM which is the point of last solid input and again on Friday at 8AM which is when I leave for the hospital. We should then have a definitive answer as a percentage of total body weight.

I do feel a bit snookered. The standard way of triggering the cleansing is to take two bottles of this really nasty tasting liquid over a day’s time. You can mix this stuff with anything you want but previous experimentation proves that it can make any liquid nasty tasting. And it gets nastier with each new drink you consume. You don’t want to mix it with something you like because forever after you’ll taste it when you pop an old favorite. That’s why I never mixed it with Bud Lite. For some people it’s throw up nasty but I manage to get it all down. I was recently told that you really don’t need to take the liquid but can just take a pill. Certainly that seems preferable so I mentioned that to the doc and he said, “sure, no problem” and wrote the prescription for the pills instead of the liquid. On leaving the office, the nurse gives me the written instructions, at which point I learn that it’s not a pill but rather 28 pills. The pills are to be taken 3 at a time about 15 mintues apart with 8 oz of fluid each time. This starts 24 hours before the procedure and has programmed gaps in time between pill batches. This is more than a gallon of fluid intake. In addition to that they want you to take in plenty of other fluids. So after reading all the instructions, I’m not sure this pill thing is really going to be any more pleasant than the nasty liquid. I then found out the next downside to the pills – cost. These pills cost about $80 compared to maybe $2 for the liquid. Had I known that, for sure I would have gone liquid. And you really have to be a pill taker to deal with these. When I hear the word pill, I think aspiran. These guys are giant by my pill standard. I don’t have trouble with pills but anyone who does would choke on these for sure. I was also snookered into an upper test. The Doc said that as long as I was sedated, it made sense to do an endoscopy as well and it would be stupid not to. He presented it in such a fashion that it would have been really bad form to say no.

The day. I weighed in at 190 on our scale and started the pill sequence at 9AM. As it turns out there was one more complication which I knew would make the next 48 hours memorable. On Tuesday I started getting those back pains you get with a kidney stone. I can’t describe the pain but it’s quite sharp and occurs on a regular basis rather than continuously. All day Wednesday they were on a two hour cycle where the pain is killer for about 10 minutes and gone within 20. I made the calculated risk to go thru with the colonoscopy knowing that it was potentially not going to be pretty. My focus would surely be spread between the two and maybe that would be a good thing. I decided to start flooding my system on Tuesday in an effort to maybe flush out the stone before Friday. And, oh yeah, I got an armful of spider mite bites on Wednesday which was driving me crazy as well. I have to believe I’m maxed out on what’s going on with me – kind of a negative perfect storm

And the answer – 5 pounds. Of course I haven’t eaten anything in 36 hours so I think I would have lost most of that anyway. So how does 1% crap sound. Certainly a long way from “full of crap”. And oh yeah, definitely the pills are better – worth whatever Nancy paid for them.

I’m off for the party. Wish me luck.

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